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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25406782">It's okay it's heartache</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BerryGreen/pseuds/BerryGreen'>BerryGreen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>It's Okay [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alpha Kageyama Tobio, Alpha Kuroo Tetsurou, Alpha Miya Atsumu, Alpha Miya Osamu, Alpha Semi Eita, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Beta Kozume Kenma, Hinata Shouyou is Sunshine, Implied Mpreg, Kozume Kenma &amp; Kuroo Tetsurou Friendship, M/M, Omega Hinata Shouyou, Omega Kita Shinsuke, Omega Shirabu Kenjirou, Omega Tendou Satori, Omega Tsukishima Kei, Pining Miya Atsumu, Platonic Relationships, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:26:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,388</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25406782</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BerryGreen/pseuds/BerryGreen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which behind someone happy ending, there are hearts who breaks for them</p><p>Chapter 1 : Kenhina<br/>In which The cat longed for the sun not the moon. </p><p>Chapter 2 : Shirabu Kenjiro and Semi Eita<br/>In which love comes in wrong time and festered into bitterness</p><p>Chapter 3 : Atsukita, Osakita and tiny bit Atsusaku if you squinted<br/>In which the jock realized his first love never waits for him this whole time.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma, Kita Shinsuke/Miya Atsumu, Kita Shinsuke/Miya Osamu, Kozume Kenma &amp; Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma &amp; Tsukishima Kei, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Semi Eita &amp; Sugawara Koushi, Semi Eita &amp; Tendou Satori, Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>It's Okay [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1669996</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>219</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Kenma and Hinata</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Just angst one shot sode stories from it's okay series. For the major character.</p><p>Note ;<br/>Hinata Shouyo = in his name implied the sun<br/>Kageyama Tobio = well Kage is shadow in Japanese<br/>Tsukishima Kei = Tsuki is moon<br/>Kenma = lone claw (for cats)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>1. The Sun</p><p><br/>
Had you ever fallen in love with someone? Falling too deep. </p><p><br/>
Kenma had fallen in love with the sun himself. He was warm and his smile lightened up Kenma whole world.</p><p><br/>
Kenma met him in his  second year of High school. With the warm smile, and curious amber eyes Hinata Shouyo intruded his sight and then like an unknown force he entered Kenma’s world. And Kenma had not only tolerated him but welcomed him with open arm.</p><p><br/>
Kenma wasn’t blind, but apparently his heart was a naïve fool. His heart ignored the visible sign that he would never had chance with Hinata Shouyo. Because the heart was a traitorous organ that saw only what its wanted.</p><p><br/>
Hinata accepted him like no others. </p><p><br/>
Kenma eyes always followed Shouyo movement. Kenma always seeks Hinata’s presence in the middle of crowd. Kuro even said that Kenma kept his full attention for Hinata Shouyo, like a new game.</p><p><br/>
Shouyo was not a new game, he was like a never ending adventure game with surprise in every corner. Sometimes you felt frustrated, sometimes even vexing, but more often it was a pleasant surprise, that sent a smile to face.</p><p><br/>
Shouyo was a simple person with simple thought and emotion on his sleeves, but at the same time you would never know what kind of spontaneous act he would do. Most of the time, his antics were stupid but at the same time it sent smile to Kenma’s face.</p><p><br/>
Shouyo was like pure honesty who gave his everything to everyone. Perhaps, Kenma was befriending too long with deceptive, manipulative Kuro but Hinata’s simplicity drew Kenma closer to him.<br/>
Closer, closer, closer and closer.</p><p><br/>
When you got too close to the sun you got burn.</p><p><br/>
Kenma got his first burn during the training camp. Shouyo didn’t do something special. Shouyo who fought with His setter, so he sought for Kenma to toss for him. Kenma tossed to him several time, then every time Kenma tossed to him, he would soar even higher.</p><p><br/>
Kenma thought his heart wouldn’t even beat faster, he didn’t understand that, but suddenly his heart beat faster and butterfly squirmed in his stomach. Then, Shouyo did it. He smiled while thanking Kenma.</p><p><br/>
The warmth from that smile was contagious. Kenma felt involuntary pull from the corner of his lips to smile back. “Kenma! You are so beautiful.” Shouyo gushed, “Like you have flat face but when you smile gwaaah, you look so bwahhhh beautiful.” </p><p><br/>
He was wrong. Shouyo was far more beautiful than Kenma. </p><p><br/>
Kenma felt another burn when Shouyo left for Rio, in his last year of high school, Shouyo made a rebellion to his overprotective parents who actually didn’t like he played volleyball. A sport for Alpha, Beta and some exception for tall omega like Oikawa Tooru. Shouyo ran away.</p><p><br/>
Shouyo went to Kenma of all the people. </p><p><br/>
Kenma got the second burn as he watched Shouyo cried a bit, because he wanted really wanted to play Volleyball. To improve and to go on the same league as Kageyama Tobio, the genius setter.</p><p><br/>
Kenma wished he could give the world for Shouyo. It wasn’t fair for him who loved Volleyball too much to not be able to get the support he wanted. Kenma wished he had ability to give Shouyo, the height of Volleyball player. But Kenma wasn’t god.</p><p><br/>
So Kenma gave him the support he could. He became Shouyo sponsor. He had money from his job, he had the ability to make half of Shouyo dream comes true. Kenma did that.</p><p><br/>
Distance makes heart grows fonder. </p><p><br/>
In Kenma’s life, the words were more than simple saying. His hearts really grew even fonder for Shouyo. Sometimes when they talked over the phone, he would feel his heart grew even bigger until his chest felt full.</p><p><br/>
He wanted to hug Shouyo so much, he wanted to get Shouyo closer to him, feeling the warmth from his skin and most important thing his smile. </p><p><br/>
Kenma started to grow sunflower to substitute Shouyo’s warmth.</p><p><br/>
Apparently it wasn’t only his heart that grew fonder for Shouyo. Kageyama Tobio heart too. With the series of event, Kenma realized Kageyama finally realized something that all of the people realize from their very first meeting. </p><p><br/>
Kageyama Tobio realized his feeling for Shouyo.</p><p><br/>
Kenma tried not to think about that, because he knew better.</p><p><br/>
Hinata Shouyo was special kind of person and he Kozume Kenma was only ordinary human. Hinata Shouyo was like the sun, you can love the sun but you can’t expect everyone not to love the sun.</p><p><br/>
Like all the planets, no matter how close your position, how unique your appearance, they were just  revolving around the sun.</p><p><br/>
Kenma was just one of the people who revolve around Shouyo. </p><p><br/>
He couldn’t wish only he was the only one who could love Shouyo.</p><p><br/>
<strong>
    <span class="u">
      <em>2. The moon </em>
    </span>
  </strong>
</p><p><br/>
People often asked why didn’t he fall in love with Kuro? Kuro clearly cared about him. But you cared about your brother but have you ever thought to fall in love with him? </p><p><br/>
Kuro was the only child of Kuroo’s family. The perfectly groomed heir. He had no brother, they grew up together since young and they cared for each other well being deeply, and Kenma would always love him like his family.</p><p><br/>
However Kuro was too sexual for Kenma. Kuro slept with lot of either Omega males or females. As long as they were omega. He flirted a lot, he dated a lot and he broke more hearts than Kenma cared to count.</p><p><br/>
Then come the moon, Tsukishima Kei. The runaway Omega fiancée whom Kuroo’s family chose for Kuro, who also Kuro’s latest  one night stand that ran away as soon as the morning come. Kuro fell in love with him head over heels.</p><p><br/>
The moon resisted but the black cat chased, manipulated, and used any deceptive mean to catch the moon. He loved the moon with all the obsessive and possessive desire that even scared Kenma.</p><p><br/>
After rough slap from others, the black cat finally realized and redeemed himself in order to be worthy of the moon. </p><p><br/>
At first it was more like babysitting the pregnant young Omega, but later then they became friend through thick and thin. Behind his tough and sarcastic behavior, Tsukishima Kei was proven to be a good friend. </p><p><br/>
He was like the cold unfeeling brother Kenma never had, Kenma loved him.</p><p><br/>
Tsukishima Kei realized Kenma’s feeling for Shouyo. He even teased him. But one night, when the moon nursed Hiroyuki, his son, Kenma’s nephew, Kei blurted this, “Listen, usually I don’t meddle too much, but you need to tell him.” He hugged his son on his chest.</p><p><br/>
“Tell who?” </p><p><br/>
“Prime minister.” Kei rolled his eyes. </p><p><br/>
Kenma chuckled, “I thought having baby mellowed you out.” </p><p><br/>
“Having baby doesn’t change the fact that I hate to talk with stupid people and even more to people who pretend to be stupid.” Kei retorted, “And while you are falling in love with a simpleton first grade nitwit, you are far from stupid. You looked confused do I need to walk you through?” </p><p><br/>
Kei was quiet entertaining, “No need.” Kenma refused.</p><p><br/>
“Hinata Shouyo is not the brightest bulb in the box, fu…” He held his tongue. Well, Kei learnt not to curse in front of Hiroyuki. “If any, he is the dimmest bulb trust me I helped him study, if you don’t tell him blatantly, he would never know.” </p><p><br/>
“I don’t think I need him to know.” </p><p><br/>
“Why?” </p><p><br/>
“Because…” Because of what? “Because there is no point of having him know.” </p><p><br/>
“Are you sure?” Kei adjusted Hiroyuki on his chest again. Hiroyuki put his head to his mama shoulder.</p><p><br/>
“You realized I am asexual right?” or at least that what Kenma discovered this far, he felt nihil sexual desire for people. He didn’t react during when he watched porn. </p><p><br/>
“That doesn’t mean you don’t feel any attraction or for some degree you don’t feel repulsive by intimacy.” Kei’s way of analyzing something was terrific. As expected of medical student. “Just because you aren’t sexual oriented like your pervert best friend, doesn’t always mean you would feel disgusted by sexual things. According to survey.” </p><p><br/>
“So you mean I may have other orientation?” </p><p><br/>
Kei shrugged, “The point is not your sexuality, Kenma. Your sexuality shouldn’t  hinder you.” </p><p><br/>
“I don’t know if I should.” </p><p><br/>
“Just do whatever the thing you feel right.” Kei sighed, “As long as you don’t regret it.” Kei patted Hiroyuki’s back softly, because the baby gurgled.</p><p><br/>
Kenma didn’t know whether he would be okay or not. But to confess everything to Shouyo would ruin everything. Their friendship and the comfort of the closeness they had now.</p><p><br/>
Kenma would be fine as long as Shouyo was here. As long as he was permitted to be around the sun. <br/>
Shouyo was the sun who belonged to everyone. </p><p><br/>
The moon may reflect the sun light. With the sun, it was impossible to cover the shatter in your heart. You might never want to taint the sun brightness with your pain. But with the moon you found a calm solace, the comfort for when everything just hurt. </p><p><br/>
That was why Kenma sat here with Tsukishima Kei again. Or Kuroo Kei. </p><p><br/>
Kei didn’t talk. Kei didn’t comfort him like normal people did. Kei was never good with emotion even his own emotion, so Kei only gave him a Hiroyuki into Kenma’s arms. The pair of mother and son didn’t talk too much.</p><p><br/>
“He dates Kageyama.” Kenma told Kei. “Since a months ago.” </p><p><br/>
Kei hummed an acknowledgement.</p><p><br/>
“Over a curry bun.” Kenma added. “He told me yesterday. Funny right? All people knows they were made for each other since high school. They are the last people to know, and then we thought they would get to together earlier.” </p><p><br/>
“What you expect from the first degree fool.” </p><p><br/>
“Right. They should just get together. They are so stupid.” Kenma stopped for a while because he realized Hiroyuki’s onesies became  wet from the droplet from his eyes. One drop fell then another drop. “I am so stupid.” </p><p><br/>
The moon patted his shoulder in awkward manner but the moon didn’t let out sarcastic remark, the moon became the silence witness of his pain. Because the moon didn’t say anything, Kenma could let his emotion crumbled down.</p><p><br/>
The moon might never be the sun, but the moon would always comfort you when you got the burn from the sun. Kenma got burned bad.</p><p><br/>
Kenma couldn’t even Shouyo for his heartache. It was after all Kenma’s fault.</p><p><br/>
Kenma was the one who ignore something so blatantly in  front of his eyes, he was the one who chose to fall in love with Shouyo even when he knew that The sun would always bound to its shadow. </p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">
      <em>3. The shadow.</em>
    </span>
  </strong>
</p><p>It was supposed to be a happy day. </p><p><br/>
It was. For The sun and The shadow.</p><p><br/>
Kageyama Tobio stood in front of the altar with the sun, and Kenma sat in the front row as the sun best man. Kenma had 9 years to accept that one day the Sun would belong to the shadow completely.</p><p><br/>
9 years, Kenma kept his feeling locked inside his heart. 9 years Kenma hid his pain behind his apathetic façade. </p><p><br/>
They said when you got used to the pain, you would be numb. But Kenma didn’t feel numb. Because his heart throbbed painfully in his chest. Because every time Shouyo smiled to him, his heart still swelled in happiness.</p><p><br/>
Shouyo wasn’t the one who caused Kenma’s pain. It all Kenma’s fault. Because he couldn’t let go the sun even when his brain knew he could only love the sun in silence. Shouyo would always have a huge place in Kenma’s heart.</p><p><br/>
The sun shone even brighter that day. </p><p><br/>
The weather, the sky, the land and the heaven, all were happy for Shouyo. The birds chirped happily during the vow. </p><p><br/>
It was a beautiful day. </p><p><br/>
It was. </p><p><br/>
Shouyo and Kageyama sealed their vow with chaste kiss. Kenma had to look away, because at that time he felt a stab of pain right through his chest, the pain almost crippled him.</p><p><br/>
Then Shouyo grinned widely at him, at the audience with slight blush on his cheeks and the crinkled on his nose. The sun shone even brighter, and it blinded Kenma from his pain. </p><p><br/>
How he wished to preserve those smile forever.</p><p><br/>
Kenma would do everything to see Shouyo smiled like that everyday. Just like what Kenma had always done all these times. Kenma loved him too much to let his own feeling tainted Shouyo’s happiness.</p><p><br/>
“He is so happy.” Kenma said to Kageyama as they stood together near the drink stand. The sun was setting down. The sky was reddened and Shouyo’s orange hair even became more orange. He was laughing with Goshiki.</p><p><br/>
Kageyama gave him lopsided grin, “Me too. I am happy.” </p><p><br/>
Why shouldn’t you? No one would be unhappy in Kageyama Tobio’s position. He was the luckiest man today.</p><p><br/>
“Of course you are.” Then before someone suspected anything, “Until he did something stupid again.” </p><p><br/>
Kageyama shuddered, “Yeah, I don’t want to go on hospital trip again because he decided to join jalapeno eating contest again.” </p><p><br/>
“You should blame Bokuto for that.” Kenma said. </p><p><br/>
“Yeah, and Shouyo lack of brain cells.” He was grumbling but Kenma could feel the fond undertone . He loved Shouyo too. </p><p><br/>
If anyone loved Shouyo better than Kenma, it should be Kageyama. The shadow would never leave the sun. As long as the sun shone in the sky, the shadow would always exists. </p><p><br/>
Of course. Kenma would never able to make Shouyo happy like Kageyama did. </p><p><br/>
Shouyo looked at their direction, he waved his hand happily. Then Kenma knew whose name he would call, “Tobio!” </p><p><br/>
The shadow flew to the sun. They danced together in the their own world while the whole universe just watched them in the sideline. </p><p><br/>
Some watched them with happiness, some with rolling eyes (yup the moon did that) because Shouyo and Kageyama tossed the bouquet to audience, some with forlorn smile and Kenma, Kenma gazed them while his heart was breaking into thousand pieces.</p><p>4. The lone claw</p><p>Kuro and Kei didn’t leave him alone. They practically dragged Kenma back to their own penthouse. They had two children their own, but they still dragged Kenma home. Kei put Hiro and his little brother to sleep.</p><p><br/>
Kuro put down hot chocolate for him, “Here.” </p><p><br/>
They didn’t talk. </p><p><br/>
“You know what, Kuro. At least Shouyo marries someone who love him.” Kenma started the conversation breaking the silence. “Someone who makes him happy.” </p><p><br/>
“You are strong Kenma to let him go without saying anything. To love him for years without hoping to get anything in return.” Kuro said, “You are a much better man than most men, well, better than me.” </p><p><br/>
“Why because you will not hold your peace?” </p><p><br/>
“Speak now or forever hold your peace, I won’t.” Kuro admitted honestly.</p><p><br/>
Kenma rolled his eyes, “Well, and then? It would be awkward moments and all eyes on you.” </p><p><br/>
Kuro shrugged, “Yeah. Of course, then it’s your time to runaway together. Romantic right?" </p><p><br/>
“You watched too much chick flick.” Kenma commented. “Kei hasn’t smack your head yet?” </p><p><br/>
“He did, but I am the romance for his saltiness.” Kuro said. “That’s why I am his significant otter.” </p><p><br/>
“You are still obsessed with those animal puns right?” </p><p><br/>
“Why not? It’s whale definition of purrfect.” Kuro sipped his own hot chocolate. “I plan to use them in owl conversation.” </p><p><br/>
Kenma tempted to smack his childhood friend’s head. </p><p><br/>
“But you know, Kenma. You would find it too.” Kuro put down his own cup. </p><p><br/>
“Find what?” </p><p><br/>
“Your significant other.” Kuro said, “May be not now, not next year, or even next five year. But someday you would find someone who makes you happier than him.” </p><p><br/>
Kenma doubted that, no one ever made him the way Shouyo made him feel. With the smile who warm his heart, with simple gesture who made even his worst day became 1000 better. </p><p><br/>
“May be,” Kenma agreed. “But I am happy that he marries some who loves him.” Kenma then added bitterly, “Someone who loves him better than me.” </p><p><br/>
“Who said the king loves him better than you?” Kei got out from the room and sat beside him. “Don’t deprecate your self worth based on the standard of marrying him. You let him go, you love in silence more than 10 years, you do everything to make him happy. You love The Shrimp better than anyone else.” </p><p><br/>
Kei wasn’t  one who speaking about feeling freely, but his matter of fact tone  had always been much better than sugarcoated words. </p><p><br/>
Kuro reached Kenma’s hand, “Don’t dismiss your feeling.” He then added, “I think it’s great that you love him enough to let him be happy with someone else.” </p><p><br/>
Kenma wouldn’t crumble down in front of them. </p><p><br/>
When he sat by himself in Kuro and Kei’s veranda, watching the sky without stars, Kenma finally crumbled. The sun was leaving him, the sun was belonged to its shadow. The cat was longed for the sun. </p><p><br/>
The cat was left behind with his sharp claws and loneliness. The cat was too afraid to get close to someone because he knew no one would approach the cat like the sun. The cat knew his claws would get sharpened because the scar that the sun leave behind.</p><p><br/>
However the burn from loving the sun hadn’t deterred  Kenma from kept loving him with all his heart. Even when his heart bleed, his heart kept yearning for the sun.</p><p><br/>
Hinata Shouyo would always occupy large part of his heart.</p><p><br/>
The cat with sharp claw would keep loving the Sun forever and ever until his very last breath. Until the sun was no longer shining in the sky. <br/>
***</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Shirabu and Semi</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Because Shirabu loves Semi and he didn't let his guard down</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>In case you don't know </p><p> </p><p>Tendou = heaven's child<br/>Cherry blossom = Sakura <br/>Hokkaido = coldest island in Japan and place where it's snowing hard in winter</p><p>White in Japanese Shiro but it can pronounce lot of thing, and Shirabu's name contained the kanji white</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>1. Envy</p><p><br/>Shirabu Kenjiro saw Semi Eita for the first time not in high school. He saw him when Semi Eita was in third year of his middle school. He was laughing with his friends when he defeated his opponent.</p><p><br/>Semi Eita wasn’t as talented as Oikawa Tooru or even Ushijima Wakatoshi but his aggressive play stole Kenjiro attention and his laugh stole his breath. A pure carefree laughter without restriction.</p><p><br/>Kenjiro had always been trying to live people expectation. From his volleyball style to his academic career. </p><p><br/>Kenjiro didn’t know who he wanted to impress, his parents? His coach? Or himself? Kenjiro wasn’t even sure himself. It drove him to create his own wall, his own ideology to live by. It was suffocating, it was restricting.</p><p><br/>Even though he replaced Semi Eita as Shiratorizawa main setter, he didn’t feel happy, he felt another crushing expectation. How to set the ball in best way to bring out Ushijima-san full potential.</p><p><br/>Then he watched Semi-san service. He was free, even when he played as pinch server, his aggression, his wild spirit was still astonishing to watch. Kenjiro saw the perfect arch of Semi-san’s back, and the swing of his arms and satisfying sound of the palm hit the ball.</p><p><br/>How could he be so free? </p><p><br/>Then he saw their libero couldn’t dig the ball, Semi-san pumped his fist up then smiled widely to their teammates. And something inside Kenjiro’s stomach fluttered, it wasn’t admiration. </p><p><br/>He admired Ushijima-san but Ushijima-san never made his stomach flutter in the way Semi-san’s did.<br/>Semi-san made his stomach fluttered like small butterfly tried to fly away and break free.</p><p><br/>***</p><p><br/>2. Falling</p><p><br/>Kenjiro was falling. </p><p><br/>He was falling and no one would catch him.</p><p><br/>He saw it once, he saw it twice and he understood. Semi-san was also falling. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>Love is cruel mistress, even crueler than destiny.</em>
</p><p><br/>“Tendou, eat your rice too, you dumbass.” Semi-san scolded Tendou-san. He smacked Tendou-san back. When he thought no one saw it his hand would linger longer on Tendou-san back.</p><p><br/>Tendou-san the weird entity of the Volleyball team. The oddball, with scary skill. He played volleyball as free as Semi-san. He sang about breaking people heart in the court, and he jumped with whim.</p><p><br/>Semi-san adored him</p><p><br/>Semi-san adored Tendou-san, and he played it cool. He played it nonchalantly. </p><p><br/>But then when he entered the gym the first person, he would greet was Tendou-san. When he joined the morning practice, his eyes would look for Tendou-san first. When Tendou-san entered the room. Semi-san stopped whatever he did to look on Tendou-san. </p><p><br/>Then his face would lighten up.</p><p><br/>Kenjiro knew because Kenjiro knew his face would lighten up when Semi-san came into the room. His eyes would follow  Semi-san movement. Semi-san would realize it too if only he looked at Shirabu Kenjiro’s direction.</p><p><br/>Kenjiro felt the pain bloomed in his chest as one night when Tendou-san body shutdown due to inhibitor abuse, Semi-san held the unconscious Tendou-san’s hand when he thought he was alone in Tendou’s  hospital room.</p><p><br/>“Be okay, Satori, be okay, Satori.” </p><p><br/>Satori. Not Kenjiro. Satori. The name who got out from his lips. The name that Semi-san refused to use on daily basis. Shirabu thought Semi-san just wanted to keep formality but the Kenjiro was blind enough to ignore the fact Semi-san could use Ushijima-san given name.</p><p><br/>He didn’t call Tendou-san Satori, because the name was special for him.</p><p><br/>Kenjiro was falling and Semi-san would never catch him because he never looked to Kenjiro direction. No matter how much Kenjiro appeared in front of him, he would see pass through Kenjiro.</p><p><br/>Semi-san loved Tendou-san and it was clear as day for Shirabu. Semi-san had loved Tendou-san even when he didn’t know Tendou-san secondary gender. </p><p><br/>People said Kenjiro was beautiful, people said every head would turn to see him because he  was strong omega, but those people were wrong. He was nothing but a substitute. </p><p><br/>Kenjiro didn’t feel beautiful, Kenjiro felt hollow. Because Semi-san loved more than a mere appearance and secondary gender. He loved the person inside someone and that person would never be Kenjiro.</p><p><br/>Kenjiro wouldn’t cry for a mere alpha. </p><p><br/>The tears on his face when he heard Semi-san called Satori proved nothing. It was just impulse from his eyes when excruciating pain bloomed in his chest and rooted in his heart.</p><p><br/>The pain he would carry the rest of his life.</p><p><br/>3. Song of Graduation</p><p><br/>Kenjiro wanted to stop falling.</p><p><br/>He did, he stopped falling, because he was trapped as soon as he got down.</p><p><br/>He heard Semi-san singing. Not stupid singing in the shower, but a soft melodic tone with companion of guitar string.</p><p><br/>Kenjiro didn’t mean to eavesdrop or he deliberately stalked Semi-san. He was just passing the gym at night when he found a light was still on, just one light, and Semi-san was using the excuse of locking gym to practice his guitar.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Even in next life, I will love you</em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>Even you call it sadness, I will still fall for you. </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>Kenjiro wasn’t fans of pop song but he wasn’t ignorant enough not to know that Semi-san wrote a song. A short song but nevertheless a song for Tendou-san. Of course it was for Tendou-san.</p><p><br/>It should be stupid, because most love songs were stupid. Most love songs sang about some existences that Kenjiro found to hard believe. Japanese sang about love while they were not demonstrative for their love, don’t you find it was funny? </p><p> <br/><strong><em>The cherry blossom hasn’t bloomed yet,</em></strong><br/><strong><em>Let us stay together a bit longer yet</em></strong><br/><strong><em>Then we will be happy for just a moment</em></strong></p><p>And the funniest thing, why would you sing a love song for the love you couldn’t say? However the pain from Semi-san voice pierced Kenjiro. It was getting hard to breath. Because if he could chose a love song, he would sing this song for Semi-san too?</p><p><br/>Let me stay longer by your side. Before you graduated, before you left Kenjiro behind. When the Sakura bloomed in spring, and Semi-san had graduated, then Kenjiro would never see him again.</p><p><br/>Even when staying to watch Semi-san loved another was hurt, it was hurt more when he couldn’t look at his face anymore.</p><p><br/>“Shirabu. What are you doing here?” Semi-san asked him</p><p><br/>Kenjiro stiffened up, “Checking whether Goshiki, the dumbass, overworked again.” He scrambled for the excuse.</p><p><br/>Semi-san laughed, “Nah, he has gone back to dorm since two hours ago.” </p><p><br/>“What are you doing here, Semi-san?” He asked him. He pretended not to know, because he wanted Semi-san to tell him. He wanted to stay longer with Semi-san.</p><p><br/>Semi-san shrugged his shoulder sheepishly, “I am practicing, my guitar.” </p><p><br/>“For?” Kenjiro probed. </p><p><br/>“Ah, I planned to be musician after high school.” </p><p><br/>“You can play volleyball in University and you chose to be musician?” </p><p><br/>Semi nodded, “I am thorough with competitive volleyball, I planned to take modern music major. Can’t play guitar if I injured my hand.” </p><p><br/>“It seems so sudden. We never know you play instrument, Semi-san.” Kenjiro couldn’t say I.</p><p><br/>“My dad plays guitar, he gave this for me.” He patted his guitar case, “What about you, Shirabu? Plan to play college volleyball later?” </p><p><br/>“No.” Kenjiro wasn’t like Semi-san. He wasn’t getting scouted by the coach for sport scholarship. Kenjiro studied for the entrance exam, and he beat his competitors. “There is a limit for hard work, I could never compete with someone like Sakusa or natural born athlete in university.” </p><p><br/>“Ever so logical, Shirabu. But yeah, as long as you live your life fullest then it’s all good.” He yawned, “Nah, I am going to go to bed. You should go back too, Goshiki is already in dorm.” </p><p><br/>Kenjiro watched as Semi-san walked away, he wanted to ask him, where would you study? What University would you attend? Would you stay in Sendai? </p><p><br/>However the question stuck in his throat. He couldn’t ask that. But he wanted to stay bit longer with Semi-san. “Semi-san.” </p><p><br/>“What?” </p><p><br/>Kenjiro pointed his shirt, “Can I have your jersey number?” probably it was his desperate attempt to stay connected with Semi-san. </p><p><br/>“Oi brat. I haven’t graduated yet, and you have already wanted my jersey?” </p><p><br/>Kenjiro wanted to say Semi-san misunderstood, but his pride, his heart wouldn’t let him. Why bared your heart to someone who longed for another? “I have taken your position, why not?” he provoked.</p><p><br/>Semi-san grimaced, “Stab it where it’s hurt, won’t you?” But then he shook his head, putting down his guitar case, and took off his jersey and threw it to Kenjiro, “Here take this brat. Your senpai is feeling benevolent for today.” </p><p><br/>“Semi-san I don’t need your old jersey. I just want the number.” </p><p><br/>“Nah, take it brat.” Semi-san waved his hand away and walked away. </p><p><br/>“Semi-san.” Kenjiro didn’t really try to chase Semi-san. He held the jersey in his hand. </p><p><br/>Kenjiro didn’t wash the jersey too, and Kenjiro didn’t give it back to Semi-san even after they had spring break. The jersey was safely kept in his bag, then in his cupboard. Kenjiro didn’t take it out too. It was like his own little secret that he didn’t want to see. </p><p><br/>Until the third year was graduated and Taichi heard the gossip that Semi-san would go to Tokyo with Tendou-san. That night Shirabu clung to Semi-san’s jersey and he whispered to himself he would be fine. Semi-san wouldn’t sing stupid love song by his own again.</p><p><br/>Semi-san was getting closer to his own happy ending. His happy ending with Tendou-san. His happy ending that left Kenjiro behind.</p><p><br/>He clung to the jersey while hoping he could hold Semi-san’s hand and plead him not to leave Kenjiro behind. </p><p><br/>In the middle of night, as Kenjiro had woken up with trail of dried tears, he remembered the last part of the song Semi-san sang in the gym.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>And I, tomorrow too, will love you </em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>My heaven child. </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>Kenjiro felt helplessness, and excruciating pain surged from the bottom of his heart and ripped his chest out.</p><p><br/>How stupid, Semi-san would always love his heaven child, Tendou Satori. No matter wherever he was, even when he wasn’t with Tendou-san, he would love him. There would be no space for Kenjiro in his heart.</p><p><br/>However one thing for sure, Kenjiro would love Semi-san too until tomorrow, until the day after tomorrow and it wouldn’t cease any soon.</p><p><br/>He was stupid, he was foolish, but Kenjiro was living in his foolishness. He had let himself fall and he could never get up again. </p><p><br/>He was trapping his heart to love Semi-san and love him even more after he heard the stupid love song that even not dedicate to him. Because Kenjiro understood him. Because Semi-san voice touched his deepest part of Kenjiro. Because Semi-san understood him even without knowing him</p><p><br/>It was vicious circle and but Kenjiro replayed the memories of Semi-san sang alone in dark gym in his brain. Like a loop. Because Kenjiro couldn’t let go a person who understood him the most even if it hurt him.</p><p><br/>4. Winter island.</p><p><br/>How long you need to love someone until you have enough? </p><p><br/>How long your heart would flutter just because you heard his name? </p><p><br/>“Hey, Shirabu.” His heart did this weird thing again, skipping a bit even by slightest Semi-san voice. “Please make sure, Tendou eats okay?” </p><p><br/>5 years and nothing had changed.</p><p><br/>Kenjiro tried to run as far as he could because Hokkaido was the only place that provided good medical program and still quiet faraway from Tokyo. Of course, Tendou Satori would always find him.</p><p><br/>Tendou Satori visited Sapporo so much, and Kenjiro didn’t know why he just didn’t move here. Kenjiro knew he opened the book café with Semi-san, they were also a close friend to Sugawara-san.</p><p><br/>Sugawara huh? </p><p><br/>The name incited another pain for Shirabu. The name incited the ugly night when he visited Tokyo just to see Semi-san kissed the grey-head Karasuno high school setter. The lustful kiss, and it left Kenjiro cold from inside.</p><p><br/>How easy it was to get one more person slipped into Semi-san’s heart. </p><p><br/>Shirabu decided that night to give all his feeling up. Because if he was never in Semi-san sight, he didn’t want to torture himself anymore. </p><p><br/>Shirabu chose Hokkaido that night, he had decided to let go his youthful folly. He tried to have relationship with others, until he heard Semi-san broke up with Suga-san. They just became friend. </p><p><br/>Shirabu wasn’t a fool. </p><p><br/>Shirabu didn’t hope for anything. He had given up the foolish notion that someday Semi-san would look at his way. So, he kept dating his boyfriend until the said boyfriend broke up with him because he realized both of them didn’t love each other.</p><p><br/>“You hold so much everything to yourself, Kenjiro. You didn’t talk, and you didn’t let anyone in. I am sure you need someone who can make you lower your guard. I care about you Kenjiro, please share your feeling to other before it exhaust you.” </p><p><br/>The kind break up words weren’t something that Kenjiro deserved. </p><p><br/>How to lower your guard? How could he let go fully? How could he do that when the name he whisper during his night was the name of someone else. Someone who was faraway.</p><p><br/>Someone whose jersey still stayed under his suitcase. </p><p><br/>Kenjiro didn’t cry during the break up. He only nodded, and helped his  ex to pack his stuffs. He ate dinner in his room, and realized how empty his apartment was. </p><p><br/>Kenjiro didn’t mourn for his break up, because you couldn’t feel heartbreak when you knew your heart wasn’t even whole to start with. </p><p><br/>However that night after Semi-san called him to inform him about Tendou-san, Kenjiro found the jersey in his suitcase and he broke down. Kenjiro screamed in his empty apartment, he hugged the jersey closed to his heart.</p><p><br/>The emptiness, the loneliness and the pain were just too much.</p><p><br/>5 years and he lost his first relationship because he loved the wrong person. Because he loved someone who would always loved others. Loving Semi-san gave him nothing but emptiness. </p><p><br/>Loving him burnt Kenjiro. </p><p><br/>Why couldn’t Kenjiro stop feeling this? Why his heart longed for Semi-san so much? </p><p><br/>5 years and he was still the same stupid kid who fell in love with Semi-san. Why couldn’t he? </p><p><br/>Loving him brought him nothing but emptiness in his apartment but fullness in his heart, because it kept overflowing every time he heard about Semi-san kindness.  It kept filling his heart when Semi-san sent him his demo songs.</p><p><br/>He kept falling during their rare phone call, when Semi-san talked about his dream and his band, the place where they performed. Semi-san told him about they gathered some fans. </p><p><br/>Kenjiro wished for a simple way to cut this feeling off. Was there any surgery to uproot this feelings inside his heart? It would be okay to leave him with emptiness, Kenjiro just wanted to make this feeling disappear.</p><p><br/>“You know what Shirabu. You should adjust your priority.” Arai-sensei, the iron woman, said. Arai sensei was one of the best obstetrician in Japan. She visited Hokkaido university for regular seminar. </p><p><br/>“Yes, sensei?” </p><p><br/>“You can’t keep swaying in both boat. You need to focus, if you want to be best doctor, you have to let go unimportant stuff.” She said. “Do you think boyfriend and love would secure your career?” </p><p><br/>“I don’t have boyfriend, Sensei.” Kenjiro needed to stand for himself. </p><p><br/>Arai-san nailed him with long stare, “Then you are in love.”</p><p><br/>“Pardon me?” </p><p><br/>“Love is not thing for us Shirabu. Love wouldn’t save your patient from dying, and certainly it wouldn’t help the patient if the doctor space out because of stupid thing like love.” </p><p><br/>The way Arai-sensei said stupid thing, reminded Kenjiro of himself. Didn’t Kenjiro call love stupid too? “Sensei, have you been in love?” Kenjiro knew he courted death, because Arai-sensei got iron woman reputation not for her everlasting kindness.</p><p><br/>To His surprise, Arai-sensei replied, “I had. And he didn’t love the way I did.” </p><p><br/>“And you decide to dedicate your life to your career?” </p><p><br/>Arai-sensei chuckled, “I am not that heartless, Shirabu. I realize, no matter how much I give myself to him, I can’t change his feeling. So, I alleviate my energy to thing I can control and change. And before long I realized I don’t really care whether he loved me or not anymore.” </p><p><br/>“You can keep hanging up on things you can’t change or you can just put your energy to things on your hand. It’s your choice.” Arai-sensei ended her story. “Just don’t space out on my operation table anymore.”</p><p><br/>Kenjiro could keep loving Semi-san, and breaking down once in a while yet he couldn’t make Semi-san looked at his way. Semi-san would never love him. Because there would always be Tendou-san, Sugawara-san and another again.</p><p><br/>Then he heard the news from Ohira-san that Semi-san was going to debut. His band got the contract with major label. </p><p><br/>Their distance became further. Kenjiro would be the frog in well, who longed for moon. Why moon?</p><p>Because he knew if Semi-san could touch his sinister heart with the love song for another omega, then all of the thing would be easy. </p><p><br/>Kenjiro ignored the phone call from Semi-san. He didn’t reply to his message again. He deleted any demo-song Semi-san sent to him without hearing it. </p><p><br/>Each action made him became more proficient in his study. Arai-sensei didn’t chew him up again, he got the praise. He got opportunity to attend more seminar and research by other doctors.</p><p><br/>He just needed to avoid Semi-san. One day, it wouldn’t matter anymore.</p><p><br/>He ignored the slight discomfort in his chest, and emptiness that filling up his heart. It started with small dot and started to dominate every corner of his heart. </p><p><br/>“Shirabu.” Kenjiro turned his head to see Semi-san stood in front of his university gate.</p><p><br/>His empty heart slowly filled up again. Kenjiro didn’t even know, why his chest started to feel full again. He had stopped identifying the feeling. It safer that way. As long as he didn’t identify the feeling he was on the right route.</p><p><br/>“Semi-san, what are you doing here? Is Tendou-san running here again?” </p><p><br/>“He is with Wakatoshi now. They are dating now.” </p><p><br/>“Ah, I see.” So Semi-san didn’t get his happy ending. </p><p><br/>“You didn’t reply my message and you don’t accept my phone call, I am worried about you.” </p><p><br/>Kenjiro rubbed his nape, “Well, I’ve been busy I don’t have time to reply or talk.” </p><p><br/>“Okay. Have you heard the last song I sent? Ah, I sent it this morning.” </p><p><br/>“Ano sa, Semi-san. I am not music expert, so I can’t help you with anything.” </p><p><br/>“No. No. I mean have you heard the lyrics?” </p><p><br/>Kenjiro glanced at his phone. “I haven’t checked my phone since this morning.” </p><p><br/>“Oh. If you have time please check it.” </p><p><br/>No, he wouldn’t. Kenjiro Would never hear Semi-san song anymore. He wouldn’t let himself swayed by this. Better to cut everything clean. “Ano sa, Semi-san I am not your dumpster. So please refrain yourself to send me your crap.” </p><p><br/>Semi-san stiffened. Kenjiro ignored the hollowness that crept back to his heart.</p><p><br/>“Oh so.” Semi-san eyes became colder. “I am sorry to send you crap before.” He said. Then he shrugged the snow from his coat. </p><p><br/>The snow started falling and pilling up on the ground again. </p><p><br/>“Please do as you wish to my trash this morning.” He started to walk away. “You can tell me your opinion after you have time to listen to my crap.” </p><p><br/>Kenjiro watched Semi-san back who became further and further away. Kenjiro’s nail hurt his palm. His knuckled became white because he clenched his fist too hard. </p><p><br/>The farther Semi-san distance from him, the hollower his chest became. </p><p><br/>Kenjiro felt like an empty body without no soul as soon  as he couldn’t see Semi-san silhouette anymore. </p><p><br/>Kenjiro moved to delete the messages. He wouldn’t hear the song anymore. He wouldn’t listen to Semi-san voice anymore. Because he knew it was for the best. This was for the best. He should focus on the thing he could change.</p><p><br/>Kenjiro just needed to hold on. Until all of these didn’t matter anymore.</p><p><br/>Kenjiro broke down in the middle of the night hugging the old Shiratorizawa number 3 jersey. The scent was no longer there, and the person he loved no longer there too. Before long there would be no Semi-san again. </p><p><br/>Just a huge hole inside his heart.</p><p><br/>***</p><p><br/>5. White</p><p><br/>It was weird you could live with an empty heart. </p><p><br/>He lived well, as long as he avoided ‘Dawn Breaker’ songs. The band who won album of the year last year. </p><p><br/>By working fulltime shift and volunteering in community hospital, Kenjiro succeeded to avoid the band songs that had been playing in the  every corner of Tokyo or even Japan. Of course, having headphone also helped. </p><p><br/>Kenjiro only heard classic song. It was safer this way, he cocooned himself with thick bubble layer. </p><p><br/>“Sensei do you know that Dawn Breaker would release new song.” A 13 year old girl said. Kenjiro was doing his round. He wanted to be pediatric surgeon. </p><p><br/>“I am sorry, Hana-chan. But I am too old for listening to the band.” </p><p><br/>Hana pouted, “Liar. Sensei, Sensei is only two year older than the bassist. Ah by the way, the bassist is the youngest member.” </p><p><br/>“Well, but I feel so old Hana-chan. Especially working with children And naughty child who wasn’t sleeping last night but going to the corridor.” </p><p><br/>Hana-chan giggled. And Kenjiro felt he dodged the bullet. </p><p><br/>“Sensei, you really need to start keeping up with trend.” One nurse said. She was almost same age as Shirabu. “Dawn breaker is super popular now. Not to mention good looking members.” </p><p><br/>“Dawn breaker, what? I am big fans too.” Another nurse joined the conversation.</p><p><br/>“Really? Me too.” </p><p><br/>And before long, all the young doctors and nurses in lounge gossiped about the Dawn Breaker. Kenjiro contemplated to go before they started to play the Dawn breaker song. He did slip away from other nurse and young doctor. </p><p><br/>However when he passed the waiting room with full of patients, he couldn’t either run or just slip away again. The national television broadcasted the face that Kenjiro wished to forget.</p><p><br/>“Eh, eh, why you like “White” the most Semi-san? Also the White pronounce as Shira not Shiro.” </p><p><br/>Kenjiro whipped his head to see a person he had tried to forget all these years. The name he consciously avoided all these years. The voice that Kenjiro refused to listen all these years.</p><p><br/>“First because I wrote it.” That incited laugh from the interviewer. “And that song is just special for me. Well, I thought people wouldn’t like the song because I never get the feedback about that song. But then I decided to include it in our new album because who knows I got feedback this time.” </p><p><br/>“Oh, I am sure your fans would like it a lot. Me too, I will listen to White a lot too.” </p><p><br/>“Sure, but don’t forget to stream our other songs too.” </p><p><br/>Kenjiro felt his heart stopped. Why would he make a song that meant White, why used Shira? Why not Shiro?</p><p><br/>His dead heart started to beat slowly again, there a weird flutter in his chest that forced him to check the new song. He knew he shouldn’t look back at the thing he left behind, he shouldn’t opened up the old wound again. </p><p><br/>Yet, he felt this probably the song that Semi-san had sent to him long time ago. The song he never listened, the song he deleted as soon as he saw it. The song he had never had courage to listen. </p><p><br/>Kenjiro locked himself to the empty room, and put his headset before searching that song in web. </p><p><br/>With shaking hand Kenjiro gathered enough courage to press the play button. Kenjiro was hoping for strong strum of guitar because Semi-san loved rock song, but instead he heard violin and piano.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Because I can’t go back to time when we were purple</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>Purple? Shiratorizawa official color was purple. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>So, I wish to start with your white</em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>You who stay in far away place with snow</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>Snow, Hokkaido. </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>If I sing love song for you would you call me stupid? </em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>If I wrote a poem for you, would you laugh? </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>It wasn’t fair, it was stupid to feel hurt just by a few line of lyrics. However, Kenjiro felt is breath stuck in his throat, and his eyes burned. </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I hope  you are still there</em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>Yet when I turned around now, I can’t even see your trace.</em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>Where you go? Don’t go too far.</em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>It’s getting harder without you. </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Your name is like curse</em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>Because you are not here</em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>But sometimes it’s my blessing when I try to walk again.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>Kenjiro hated love song. He hated love song. He hated Semi-san voice, he hated how the felt someone just stabbed his heart and twisted it in his chest. The hollowness in his heart started to  get filled in again<br/>People said they would rather hurt than feel nothing but no one had ever said the pain would sears to your chest and burnt your heart.</p><p><br/>Shirabu clutched his chest as he tried to breath. </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>What would you say when I say </em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>I love you. </em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>I am in love with you.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p><br/>The first sob jumped out from his throat as his vision became blurry. Someone just used a huge hammer and hit it to his chest. The hole in his heart started to fill with wound and it bled so hard now.</p><p><br/>Kenjiro wanted to scream in despair, he wanted to make this pain go away. He wanted to yell desperately. <br/>“I love you. I love you. Semi-san.” </p><p><br/>“Semi-san. Semi-san.” </p><p><br/>Shirabu whispered that name again and again and again the name he had been avoiding, the name he refused to say all these years, “Semi-san, Semi-san, Semi-san.” </p><p><br/>“I love you.” </p><p><br/>The confession that was late. The confession that he should say years ago. </p><p><br/>“I love you.” <br/>***</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So yeah this is about unrequited love<br/>Well I just want tow write star-cross lovers</p><p>Tell me what you think. Hope you like it.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Atsukita/ Osakita</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which the jock realize his first love who never waits for him</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is going to be the last installment for the heartache series plus a beginning for Atsukita story after i finished the Romance series. </p><p>Aigamo is a technique to use duck helps farmer.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Atsumu had always thought that his love would color in shade of orange.</p><p><br/>With Shouyo it felt real and his world burst in color. The high pace attack, the thrill of the game, the spot light and the fanfare of fame.</p><p><br/>He admitted he had crush, a huge massive crush, that made his ass drunk when he learnt that Shouyo had dated Kageyama Tobio.</p><p><br/>However he realized Kageyama and Shouyo were predestined. Their history enough to make  Atsumu’s infatuation faded to back ground. </p><p><br/>It put him in shame.</p><p><br/>He admitted most of his ‘heartache’ was due to his pride.</p><p><br/>He only needed to glance and people would sway, but with Shouyo it was like the only redeeming quality Atsumu had was Volleyball. Shouyo had never really seen the real him. </p><p><br/>Atsumu had long made his peace with it. Well, he had different boyfriend and girlfriend through the years but Shouyo would always be special, because he created such thrill in Volleyball. </p><p><br/>But that was it.</p><p><br/>Atsumu was first grade asshole but he wasn’t home wrecker. Thank you.</p><p><br/>*** <br/>Atsumu knew sometimes he could be superficial jerk.</p><p><br/>He attracted to pretty face more than often. He attracted to omega who had smaller stature than him, and exuding an aura of hey I am weaker than you and you needed to protect me.</p><p><br/>That was why he had never paid attention to Kita Shinsuke before. </p><p><br/>Because even when he was smaller than him. But Kita Shinsuke was no damsel in distress. You wouldn’t even know he’s an omega until he took days off from practice for his heat.</p><p><br/>Even then. He would comeback stronger than ever, with calm disposition and the cold no nonsense attitude that froze all your bullshit.</p><p><br/>Atsumu admitted he and Osamu had become the loyal customer of Kita-san strict no bullshit in my gym attitude.</p><p><br/>Probably because of that, even though Kita-san was one of the most beautiful omega he had ever met, he wasn’t brave enough to have crush or feeling for him. Spare a few moments that he felt something bloomed inside his chest.</p><p><br/>For the example when Kita-san cried in front of the team for the first time, and Kita-san smiled to the twin when they said they would make him proud. </p><p><br/>Kita-san was so far from his reach that was why he ignored the steady heartbeat in his heart for his name. A happiness that rose inside his heart every time he heard his former captain name being mentioned by Osamu.  </p><p><br/>He knew Osamu went to Kita-san’s farm often. They were business partner.</p><p><br/>It was unthinkable for Atsumu, on how Osamu the jerk, could fall in love with Kita-san. Yes, In Atsumu’s mind Kita-san was terrifying. Beautiful yet scary.</p><p><br/>He changed his mind a bit when he saw Kita-san and Osamu on their first date. Hey, he was one of Osamu’s wingman. Well, of course, he chose to antagonize his twin. It was in his job description.</p><p><br/>Then he saw Kita-san touched Osamu’s face and then he smiled as he said, “Yes, in romantic sense.” </p><p><br/>Kita-san had never smiled that way to Atsumu. There were a tenderness and underlying affection and something that Atsumu didn’t want to identify because the chaos inside his heart.</p><p><br/>But then when the night came, Omi-kun who got roped by Atsumu to be another wingman, (they needed to make complete four wingmen of apocalypse) said, “Kita-san likes Osamu too.” </p><p><br/>That was the feeling that he refused to identify, he knew Kita Shinsuke was in love with his brother, Miya Osamu. </p><p><br/>Atsumu refused to acknowledge why he become agitated in the following weeks and days, he was sure as long as he perfected his hybrid service the agitation would disappear.</p><p><br/>It didn’t.</p><p><br/>Osamu posted in his media social, a light in the farm and Kita-san basked in the sun while holding a golden stacked of new harvested paddy inside his arms, he smiled to the camera. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>‘A sight to behold.’ Osamu wrote.</em> </strong>
</p><p><br/>Atsumu saved the picture and put it in his most hidden file who he opened only when he was alone.</p><p><br/>***</p><p><br/>It was snowing hard near Christmas in Hyogo.</p><p><br/>Atsumu had to comeback to his family home, because his half brother, Satori and Wakatoshi brought their daughter, his lovely beautiful niece, Asuna who Atsumu adored with his whole heart even though the girl spoke very little Japanese.</p><p><br/>And then Osamu  and Kita-san had also come to stay with them. They had left their huge ass farm house to stay with them for Christmas.</p><p><br/>The farm house that they had bought together where they would have their wedding in next  summer on Kita-san birthday.</p><p><br/>Atsumu woke up early well earlier than usual, because he needed the toilet.</p><p><br/>It was freaking six in the morning and usually Atsumu woke 30 minutes later for the gym. Today was his day off, he should sleep late as revenge for his hard work. </p><p><br/>Anyway, he woke up and yawned walking to the corridor that connected his and Osamu’s old bedroom with Toilet. </p><p><br/>Then he heard familiar laugh from the garden. His dumbass brother had woken up actually. What did the dumbass do?? It was freaking six.</p><p><br/>Atsumu wanted to taunt his brother or just being annoying as usual. So, he headed to garden just to see the whole garden covered with white snow, and there he saw his brother pounced to Kita-san and they stumbled in snow.</p><p><br/>Atsumu was so ready to hear Kita-san chided his brother, however he didn’t expect to see Kita-san threw his head back and laughed like little kid over something that Osamu said.</p><p><br/>The morning light illuminated his greyish white hair like a silver lines on the white snow. His cheek flushed in beautiful pink, and his face shone brightly. His laughter could light up the whole room.</p><p><br/>Atsumu felt a part of his heart clenched painfully. He knew now why Kita-san had never laughed this wide before, the whole world seemed to stop spinning and the only thing he could see is Kita-san and how his lips curled into laughter.</p><p><br/>How his eyes twinkled with happiness and how the warmth, the strength and the reliance overflowed from him. Warming Atsumu’s tip of finger to his throat and settled in his heart.</p><p><br/>He wanted him to be this happy.</p><p><br/>He wanted to make the laughter last forever. He wanted to make him happy. </p><p><br/>Atsumu perhaps couldn’t hear Kita’s next words, but Kita always enunciated his words well. “I love you, Osamu.” </p><p><br/>Something broke inside Atsumu’s heart. Some kind of feeling that had bothered him for long time now choking him with some sort of pain.</p><p><br/>“One more time.” </p><p><br/>Kita-san blushed, “Enough.” </p><p><br/>“Come on. One more time, Shinsuke, push it-push it Shinsuke.” Osamu teased. “Don’t be shy, Shinsuke.” He still continued with the rhythm of Inarizaki cheerleading. “One more time.” </p><p><br/>“I love you, you silly man.” </p><p><br/>Then Osamu’s faced turned bright, he kissed Kita-san deeply. “I love you so much Shin.” </p><p><br/>Shin. </p><p><br/>Miya Atsumu had always thought his love would color his world in vibrant color.</p><p><br/>Yet, he didn’t know that his actual first love was a pure white with hint of blushing pink and beating steadily beside him.</p><p><br/>He didn’t realize that someone he had always loved was someone who gave him gentle push to take care of himself , not someone who mere gave him thrilled. Someone who ensured that he would have a long lasting career by teaching him to take care of himself.</p><p><br/>Someone whose name incited some fear but at the same time made him happy.</p><p><br/>If this were a movie, he probably a fame thirst athlete that chased for fame and people who gave him thrill without realizing what he had been looking for had been here in his hometown the whole time.</p><p><br/>But this was never a movie. In movie, the athlete didn’t have twin brother. In the movie, the athlete’s first love would always wait for him. </p><p><br/>Miya Atsumu realized his first love had been here the whole time at 27. Six months right before Kita Shinsuke was marrying his brother.</p><p><br/>***<br/>Atsumu hid his feeling well. </p><p><br/>Because it would be an asshole move to try stealing your brother’s love of his life. It would be so lame to tell the world he just realized he loved his brother in-law. </p><p><br/>Atsumu hid himself well. He only let his feeling consumed him when he was alone in his room.</p><p><br/>That the only time, he felt no one would judge him for looking at Kita-san picture and pretended Kita-san was in love with him.</p><p><br/>What if he just hopped to the bullet train and visited Kita-san’s farm before Osamu even established his business.</p><p><br/>What if he stayed behind in Kobe, and played for Kobe University team instead of pursuing his career directly to Division 1. Lot of athletes started in university too, some like Oikawa, Ushijima, Omi-kun attended University while playing Volleyball.</p><p><br/>And there they were, the same league as him too. Played at the same stage as him too.</p><p><br/>If he had stayed in Kobe, attending the same university as Kita-san,  would he realized that he was in love with Kita-san sooner and started pursuing him? Like Osamu courted Kita-san. Would Kita-san finally realize he too became dependable man? Someone Kita-san could rely too.</p><p><br/>Would Kita-san fall in love with him like he fell in love with Osamu? </p><p><br/>Would Kita-san smile to him with underlying love like he did to Osamu? </p><p><br/>Would they marry next week or even sooner? </p><p><br/>Now, He had to see Kita-san, the love of his life marrying his brother, and he had to be there smiling like nothing wrong. Like his heart wasn’t breaking.</p><p><br/>His only solace was no one would know his feeling, he would move on.</p><p><br/>He would move on and pretended that he never wished for his brother to disappear. Because this was the time Atsumu felt like the lowest scum of human being because he wished Osamu wasn’t in the picture.<br/>If he could go back to the past, he would do that in heartbeat. </p><p><br/>He wanted to be the one who stand beside Kita-san vowed to god that they would stay together forever. </p><p><br/>***</p><p><br/>Atsumu met Kita-san the night before the wedding. </p><p><br/>All of the family were staying in Osamu and Kita-san farm house for the wedding tomorrow. </p><p><br/>Kita-san and Osamu decided to in different room for tonight so Osamu was roomed with Atsumu in one of their guest room. </p><p><br/>“You haven’t slept, soon to be Miya?” Atsumu teased Kita-san.</p><p><br/>Kita-san looked at him, “Ah, Atsumu. You can’t sleep too?” </p><p><br/>“Osamu snored.” </p><p><br/>Kita-san chuckled, “He doesn’t snore,  Atsumu. I sleep with him remember?” </p><p><br/>“He is only maintaining his image in front of you.” Atsumu said. </p><p><br/>Kita-san tilted his head, “Then he must be great at maintaining his image because he has held his snores for two years.” </p><p><br/>Atsumu pouted, “Oh come on Kita-san, cut me some slack to badmouth my brother.” </p><p><br/>Kita-san laughed again.</p><p><br/>“You’ve changed,” Atsumu remarked, “You laugh a lot now.” </p><p><br/>Kita-san flushed a bit, and he rubbed his neck awkwardly, “Really?” he looked to small window in the kitchen, then a soft smile curled from his lips, “I guess it’s easy to laugh with Osamu.” He trailed his finger to the window sill, “he makes me…relax, and it’s just easier when I am with him.” </p><p><br/>It was getting harder for Atsumu to breath. He didn’t want to see a smile that reserved for Osamu even when he wasn’t with them. Had Kita-san ever made that type of expression for Atsumu? </p><p><br/>Atsumu swallowed the bitter lump in his throat. “I guess Osamu is good for being clown.” He tried to joke.</p><p><br/>“Stop being mean to your brother.” </p><p><br/>“Sorry, can’t do. It’s in the job description.” </p><p><br/>Kita-san shook his head, “Sometimes I can’t believe you guys has graduated from high school. When he is with you, he became the same brats like in high school.” </p><p><br/>“You will marry one of the brat.” <strong><em>Which I wished it was me.</em> </strong>“So, you never tell us why you love Osamu? Since when you love him?” <strong><em>why not me? </em></strong></p><p><br/>“I don’t know.” Kita-san furrowed his brow, “Ah, probably when he fell to the field when he helped me to save one duck from our neighbor dog.” Kita-san chuckled, “It’s just so funny. You know Aigamo duck. At that time, I haven’t had enough fund to hire more people to help, losing one or two ducks because of neighbor dog is kind of usual.” </p><p><br/>Kita-san had never smiled widely even when he talked about Atsumu’s achievement. “He said the duck reminded him of you, then we started to call him Atsumu junior.” </p><p><br/>“Hey rude.” </p><p><br/>“Osamu sulked when I said I would sold the duck.” He added again, then he smiled again like remembering one of his fondest memories.</p><p><br/>Atsumu forced himself to laugh, then he asked, “So where is the duck that use my name?” </p><p><br/>“It was few years ago, Atsumu, I’ve sold the duck.” </p><p><br/>“So you just used my name and you dare to throw the duck away?” </p><p><br/>“Er, we can always use your name for another duck.” </p><p><br/>“Kita-san!” </p><p><br/>“I am going to miss this.” </p><p><br/>Atsumu felt his heart beat once and twice then stopped for awhile before beating even faster. Did Kita-san imply he would miss Atsumu? </p><p><br/>Atsumu knew he himself tended to be hasty, and jumped into conclusion but this time he wanted even for awhile believed Kita-san would miss talking to him.</p><p><br/>Of course life is a cruel mistress, because the next words Kita-san said sent the pain like a zap to his heart, “Being called Kita-san. Because starting from tomorrow I am Miya Shinsuke.” </p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>Miya Shinsuke. </em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>Miya Shinsuke. </em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>Miya-Osamu- Shinsuke.</em> </strong>
</p><p><br/>Not Miya Atsumu. He would bear the same name as Atsumu but he would never belong to Atsumu. He would never have Kita-san for himself. Not even for one hour, not even for a minute and not even for a second.</p><p><br/>Atsumu swallowed the pain that threatened to choke his throat, “Osamu can always have your family name.” </p><p><br/>Kita-san shook his head, he turned to face Atsumu, the moon was shining from the window. Because they were in countryside Atsumu could see the stars on the sky, it was befitting for the beautiful smile Kita-san gave to him. </p><p><br/>Kita-san took his breath away. </p><p><br/>“I can’t wait to be Miya Shinsuke.” </p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>Be my Miya Shinsuke. Be my Miya Shinsuke. Please, be  Miya Atsumu’s Shinsuke.</em> </strong>
</p><p><br/>***</p><p><br/>Moving on was easier when what he felt was infatuation.</p><p><br/>But moving on from Kita-san was just impossible.</p><p><br/>Even when Atsumu tried not to think about them. He kept low contact with Kita-san and just talking with Osamu when it needed. </p><p><br/>It was easy to do as they both were busy, Osamu with his newlywed life and his new Onigiri stall in Sapporo and Atsumu with the volleyball season and sponsorship. The last time Osamu called he informed him that he was going to be Dad. </p><p><br/>Then Osamu posted a picture in his private account a picture of Kita-san, nothing changed yet, but his expression was even more tender than usual, the smile was warmer than usual.</p><p><br/>Just a simple picture with no caption but it enough to make everything Atsumu tried to suppress came to the surface.  </p><p><br/>Every corner reminded Atsumu of him. Every gym he entered reminded him of Kita-san existences. When Shoyo-kun had perfect receive, he reminded him of Kita-san defensive skill as player.</p><p><br/>When Bokuto’s mental fortitude held the team moral as they lost some points, Atsumu remember Kita-san solid and calming presence on and off court.</p><p><br/>When Omi-kun cleaned the gym, Atsumu saw Kita-san who had always cleaned the gym after their practice. The way they would clean every surface, every ball and even the way they used lint roller.</p><p><br/>Then he would find the mistakes in them, Shoyo was too orange, Bokuto was too hyper and Omi-kun, Omi-kun wasn’t Kita-san. They just wasn’t Kita-san.</p><p><br/>Then one day, when he was hanging out with his team came the phone call from Osamu. Kita-san was in hospital. Atsumu dropped everything and went to the hospital directly. </p><p><br/>He didn’t care Omi-kun decided to follow him, because Omi-kun quite liked Kita-san too. Atsumu just wanted to see Kita-san, he just wanted to make sure, nothing happened to Kita-san.</p><p><br/>When he pushed the hospital door, he knew he would love Kita-san for his whole life, because when Kita-san was crying, Atsumu’s whole world was crashing too.</p><p><br/>He had only seen Kita-san cried once, but he had never seen him crying like his world was destroyed, the shaken shoulder, and the muffled scream on Osamu’s shoulder, and the sobbed.</p><p><br/>“I’m sorry. I am sorry.” Kita-san sobbed, “I’m sorry I lost him.” The fragile hand cradled his stomach, and Atsumu knew Kita-san and Osamu just lost their baby. The four months old baby in the stomach.</p><p><br/>His soon be nephew or niece. Atsumu felt a hole torn inside his heart</p><p><br/>“No. No. It’s not your fault.” Osamu whispered.</p><p><br/>“He was there, and then he was gone.” Kita-san voice was shaking, “I can’t feel him anymore Osamu.”</p><p><br/>Atsumu watched in blurry motion as his twin brother and Kita-san mourned over their baby. As he himself felt invisible hole inside his heart. </p><p><br/>If Atsumu could give his life. He would do that in heartbeat just to see Kita-san stop crying. He would exchanged his life to make him happy, to shelter him from the pain. This type of pain that he should never experience.</p><p><br/>“Miya.” Omi-kun said, “We should give them some space.” </p><p><br/>Atsumu squared himself, “You can go back to dorm first. I am gonna ask Samu what he needs.” He said.<br/>Omi-kun looked at him, then shrugged, “I’ll wait with you. I am gonna inform coach and get some drink.” </p><p><br/>“You make me creep out. Why suddenly you become so kind? You don’t plan to hit me with table again right?” </p><p><br/>Omi-kun’s brow twitched, “Not Today, shitface. I like Kita Shinsuke enough to refrain myself from hitting his brother in law today.” </p><p><br/>Atsumu looked at Osamu and Kita-san who still mourned and he closed the door, before sitting on the bench in waiting room. Atsumu didn’t pray but he hoped just this time Kita-san would be okay, Osamu would be okay too.</p><p><br/>When Osamu got out from the room. He sat with Osamu in silence, “I’m sorry.” </p><p><br/>Osamu nodded, “I know this probably would happen.” Osamu said, “Before we married, a doctor said Shin’s womb has weak condition. We’ll probably have difficulty to have baby. But Shin is so happy, Tsumu and I don’t have heart to remind him that we might lose the baby.” </p><p><br/>Osamu started to tear up, “I want to believe, I want to make sure it would be fine. Then this morning, he’s just bleeding. Bleeding and we can’t stop it.” Osamu’s shoulder hunched down, “I am afraid I will lose not only our baby but Shin too.” </p><p><br/>Atsumu and Osamu had always shared the same interest, like volleyball, their preferences for pudding and then their love for Kita Shinsuke too.</p><p><br/>Their only differences Osamu could tell the world he loved him, and Atsumu couldn’t. He could only love him in silence and hoped for the best for him.</p><p><br/>He couldn’t even say it out loud that he agreed with Osamu. That he didn’t want to lose Kita-san too.<br/>So, Atsumu just hugged his brother. His heart ached for his brother.</p><p><br/>And his conscience punished him because he felt like Hypocrite who only try to comfort his little brother meanwhile in one side he wanted to go inside the room, to hug Kita-san so tight, to thank the deities that they didn’t take Kita-san away from world too. </p><p><br/>He felt like a sinner because even at this time, he was lying to Osamu and he loved Osamu’s husband. </p><p><br/>“I don’t want to lose him, Tsumu. I can’t go on without him. It’s so hard without him.” </p><p><br/>Somehow that words broke Atsumu even more. </p><p><br/>***</p><p><br/>Atsumu slipped into the room quietly. Osamu asked him to wait on Kita-san because he needed to get  some stuff. Osamu said that Mom and Dad would come in 30 minutes or so.</p><p><br/>He had always knew Kita-san was smaller than them, but in the midst of white blanket, Kita-san looked even smaller. He was pale and his eyes were still puffy from crying, and his lips face even looked fragile than before.</p><p><br/>Atsumu had never seen Kita-san this fragile. He had always been strong than anyone else, but this time, he just realized Kita-san needed someone to rely on too. That person was Osamu not him.</p><p><br/>He was even late to realize his own feeling. </p><p><br/>However, for today just for today, when no one heard him, when no one could see him, he dared to hold Kita-san’s hand. “I want ya to be okay. I want ya be happy.” He whispered. </p><p><br/>He stood up, closed his eyes, and then he kissed Kita-san’s forehead softly. As soon as his lips touched Kita-san forehead, the scent of floral filled his lungs and enveloped his heart. </p><p><br/>People said you could love for eternity but loved for a moment. He realized it was true. He hoped he could freeze this moment for eternity. “I love ya.” </p><p><br/>The moment where he put aside his guilt, his shame, his jealousy and his pain. It was just a mere ten seconds where his lips touched Kita-san forehead, but it just him being Miya Atsumu who loved Kita Shinsuke.</p><p><br/>Just a little while. Let him love Kita-san for the last time.</p><p><br/>Let him love him as a man to another man with all honesty in his deceitful heart. </p><p><br/>This would be the first and the last time, he admitted his love for Kita-san because after this he would bury his feeling and hoped for someone who might make him feel like Kita-san did.</p><p><br/>Someone who made him love them until it was hurt, Someone who would make him thinking about their happiness before his own. </p><p><br/>Someone who needed him as much as he needed that person. Someone who he would cherish before everything was too late.</p><p><br/>“I love ya, Shinsuke.” <br/>***</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well, that's folks the third aka last part of heartache.<br/>I plan to make Atsusaku fiction after this, and i personally believe you can love people in diferent type of love.<br/>Anyway, tell me what you think? </p><p>In the light novel it implies that Osamu went to Kita-'s farm to ask his advice about his onigiri.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Guilt of little brother</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Every heartache had two sides of the story. </p><p>The suffering big brother and the guilt of little brother </p><p>Pairing Osakita and slight Atsukita</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I made this after i heard lot of sad songs and watching  given movie.</p><p>It's just short chapter but I hope you like this. </p><p>Time line : Osamu's wedding</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Miya Osamu made a huge sin.</p><p><br/>No one knew Osamu as well as Atsumu. And no one knew Atsumu as well as Osamu. They were twins, they shared the same wombs, they had been together even before they were born into the world. They cried at the same times when they were sleeping at night.</p><p><br/>They were sharing clothes, they held each others hands when they went to the kindergarten for the first time. They were each other’s rival. They were each other’s best friend. They were each other’s brother. They protected each other and they knew each other’s secret better than anyone else.</p><p><br/>That was why Miya Osamu knew that Miya Atsumu also fell in love with Kita Shinsuke. It was as plain as daylight. </p><p><br/>When they saw Kita Shinsuke for the first time in the Inarizaki Volleyball club. Osamu realized they shared same admiration and fascination toward the smaller omega. Despite being an omega, and not as talented as Oikawa  Tooru on the court, Kita Shinsuke had the charisma to attract people to him. </p><p><br/>Was it the way he talk? Was it the way he did everything with utmost care? Was it because he smelt like flower in paddy field? Or was it because he was just perfect? </p><p><br/>Osamu didn’t know. </p><p><br/>However when Osamu watched Kita-san cried for the first time, he felt a strong urge to pull him into his arms and wiping all the tears away from his face? He wanted to kiss the tears away and promising Kita-san that everything, everything would be alright.</p><p><br/>Osamu didn’t do that at that time, because he knew Kita-san would probably call him crazy and refused to talk with him. So he held himself back, and buried the feeling he had deeper. </p><p><br/>“Man, Kita-san…is just…so..” Atsumu shoved his fingers to his hair. “omega.” </p><p><br/>“He is an omega.” Osamu said.</p><p><br/>“I know. You know if he keep doing that….he may get even more popular.” </p><p><br/>Osamu only hummed in agreement but he knew that Kita-san, no, Shinsuke would get courting preposition soon if he kept showing his vulnerability but of course Shinsuke would never show his weakness again. And Osamu would probably become one of the alphas who courted him.</p><p><br/>However Shinsuke had never shown any vulnerability again after the whole being captain story. So, Osamu thought his attraction to Shinsuke only fleeting crush. He even dated a girl from his class until one day, Shinsuke gave him pudding. “Kita-san?” </p><p><br/>Shinsuke ruffled his hair, “Here your reward.” He said.</p><p><br/>“Reward?” </p><p><br/>“Yes. You said Atsumu ate your pudding last right? But today you worked so well with him during the match. It’s your reward.” Kita-san replied. “Good job Osamu.” </p><p><br/>Shinsuke might treat him like a child but that child felt a flower bloomed inside his heart. The seeds that budding on his chest and ingraining Kita Shinsuke’s names into his brain and his heart. The name that he called when he was above his girlfriend. </p><p><br/>Osamu knew he just made the huge mistake as he saw the girl’s eyes bulged with visibly wound. “My name is Sara. Not Shin.” </p><p><br/>Osamu broke up with her. Or rather she broke up with Osamu because Osamu was too stupid and he just called his captain’s name. Osamu felt even more guiltier when the girl supported him to chase his own love with huge smile. </p><p><br/>Osamu lied to Atsumu that the girl dumped him. Atsumu comforted him because that was a brother would do. Atsumu bought him pudding, katsudon and even bringing Osamu to the Katsudon’s restaurant. Atsumu was being there when Osamu cried his heart out. Atsumu thought that Osamu was crying because of the girl but Osamu cried due to guilt. </p><p><br/>Osamu then decided to just confess his feelings to Kita-san however before he could even work on the courage to confess. Something happened. </p><p><br/>Atsumu was catching cold and then Kita-san sent him home. When Osamu got home, he saw the package that already half finished. “Man, I may fall in love with Kita-san if he keep doing this.” Atsumu said. </p><p><br/>“Then why don’t you?” </p><p><br/>“Uh-uh, and get my love throw back to my face. No thanks.” Atsumu snorted, “Kita-san is man of iron, they treated us like children. If we ever have feeling for him, he may have our head.” </p><p><br/>Osamu didn’t confess to Kita-san even when he graduated from high school. Even when he saw a first year girl got Kita-san’s second button. He wasn’t sure he didn’t confess because of Atsumu’s words about Kita-san thought of them like a child or because he saw denial on Atsumu’s face.</p><p><br/>***</p><p><br/>Life goes on. </p><p><br/>Osamu and Atsumu graduated too from high school. They were choosing their own path. And they forgot about the crush in high school. At least Osamu did. He became Shinsuke’s business partner and later become friend. He friendzoned Kita Shinsuke. </p><p><br/>It wasn’t last long. Until Shinsuke laughed out oud when Osamu fell to his paddy field. Osamu pulled Shinsuke to the paddy field too, they both wrapped with mud but Shinsuke laughed so much.</p><p><br/>Under the sunlight, with tan skin, he looked like so reachable not some faraway senpai he couldn’t reach. He was so close until Osamu could feel the warmth from his skin and the sound of his breath. </p><p><br/>He fell in love. He told Suna, Atsumu and Aran. They all supported him, they all gave him encouragement to chase Shinsuke‘s love. He fell deeper in love to Kita Shinsuke, and he swore all the teenage angst he felt before all evaporated into the sky.</p><p><br/>The guilt for the his ex-girlfriend, the hesitation that he felt because of the rejection or even his suspicion that Atsumu crushed on Shinsuke too. All of them didn’t matter anymore, because they were adults now. Atsumu didn’t even have crush on Shinsuke again, he fully supported him even though he was acting like little shit. Atsumu even asked Osamu why he could like Shinsuke while Atsumu was still afraid of him.</p><p><br/>Osamu knew he had been loving Shinsuke probably since he was in high school. He believed he had always loved Shinsuke, it was just now, he was in love with Shinsuke. Because Shinsuke was so close and so reachable for him now. </p><p><br/>When Shinsuke told Osamu that he loved Osamu too on some sunny day on his paddy field. Osamu felt the seed had bloomed inside his chest. There was no coming back from this even if he wanted to. There was nothing that could uproot the things that bloomed inside his heart.</p><p><br/>Kita Shinsuke said he loves Osamu, Kita Shinsuke was in love with Miya Osamu. Miya Osamu not Miya Atsumu. </p><p><br/>Osamu didn’t know why that simple knowledge mattered to him, even though he knew Atsumu was no longer crushing on Shinsuke. However, the relieve he felt overflowed inside him.</p><p><br/>“Are you mine, Shin?” he asked as he made love the first time with Shinsuke. </p><p><br/>Shinsuke smiled, “I am yours. Never let me go, Osamu.” </p><p><br/>Osamu wouldn’t let him go ever. He would never let Shinsuke go, even that meant he needed to lie to himself, to Shinsuke and to Atsumu. </p><p><br/>Osamu knew it was no longer crush on Atsumu’s side as both of them watched Shinsuke walked down aisle toward them in the traditional white Shinto wedding attire for omega. Shinsuke was the most beautiful omega he had ever seen. The white attire only emphasized his golden eyes that shone like the field in harvest time. His greyish hair made him looked like some gods from other universe.</p><p><br/>Osamu fell in love once again to his beautiful bride. However as he turned to his brother, he saw the same look on his face identical like Osamu’s own. Osamu wasn’t the only person who fell in love to Shinsuke. Atsumu did. Atsumu who smiled widely as he teased Osamu.</p><p><br/>Atsumu whom Osamu found crying in the reception in the corner of the room. Had Osamu a better man, he would just annul the marriage but he didn’t, he couldn’t. He was physically unable to walk away from Shinsuke.</p><p><br/>Shinsuke chose him. Shinsuke loved him. Shinsuke was in love with Osamu. Shinsuke wanted to spend his whole life with Osamu. Kita Shinsuke had chosen Miya Osamu. Not Miya Atsumu.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>Not Miya Atsumu.</em>
</p><p><br/>That was why Osamu just stood there hearing Atsumu cried with the guilt that growing inside him. It ate him up. Osamu almost dropped to his knee and begged Atsumu for forgiveness, when he heard a sob from Atsumu. “I love you. I love you Kita Shinsuke, be my Miya Shinsuke, be my Miya Atsumu- Shinsuke.” </p><p><br/>Osamu clenched his fists tightly as the guilt stabbed more inside his heart. The pain hit his chest as he stood there hearing his brother’s heart got broken by him. He did nothing but standing there, watching his brother broke down into several pieces by his own hands. </p><p><br/>Atsumu had always been there when Osamu needed him. Atsumu was his own brother, Atsumu was a supportive brother, Atsumu who always supported him. Osamu remembered the Katsudon he treated, the game Atsumu bought for him, Osamu’s first apron after he built Miya Onigiri. Osamu remembered all the times Atsumu was there for him.</p><p><br/>Atsumu was half of him. Old people said that twins shared an inseparable bonds, and when they were identical twins, they were  each other’s half part of the soul. Now, half of his soul screaming in pain that unbearable. Half of his soul asked for something Osamu could never give.</p><p><br/>He couldn’t share this with Atsumu. He didn’t want to play good guy. He didn’t want to. He wanted Shinsuke for himself. Just for himself. Shinsuke had chosen him.</p><p><br/>Shinsuke had chosen him and Osamu couldn’t let him go even though the suffocating guilt creeped up and chocking his breath. Even though, he felt his arms and legs were chained by the sin that he felt pilling over his head. </p><p><br/>The sin that engulfed him.</p><p><br/>Was it  wrong to be selfish? Was it wrong to choose his own happiness? Was it wrong to feel happy even though half of his soul was broken? </p><p><br/>Osamu felt his throat stuck by the hard lump as he pretended to punch Atsumu’s arms, “Will you cry on your own wedding?” </p><p><br/>Atsumu swallowed with glassy eyes, then faked the smile, “Stupid. I am just feeling sentimental that my little brother is growing up.” </p><p><br/>“I am only 3 minutes younger than you, asshole.” </p><p><br/>“The best 3 minutes in my life.” Atsumu snorted. </p><p><br/>“Fuck you,” </p><p><br/>“I’d rather not. It’s disgusting.” </p><p><br/>Osamu snorted and both of them laughed. Atsumu swallowed. “Hey, make him happy will ya?” </p><p><br/>“Sure who do you think am I?” </p><p><br/>“Some lucky bastard.” Atsumu grumbled.</p><p><br/>Yes, Osamu was a lucky bastard. He was the bastard that chose his own happiness even though he knew his brother’s heart broken. He who heard his brother’s cry and pretended not to know about it. He was the one who saw Atsumu begged to the god, and pretended he didn’t see anything. </p><p><br/>“Our parents is married.” Osamu quipped back.</p><p><br/>Atsumu laughed, “Well, let’s go back to the party. Your Shinsuke would panic if you don’t come back.” He stood up and went back to the party. </p><p><br/>“Hey, Tsumu.” </p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>I am sorry. I am sorry but I love him so much. I can’t let him go. </em>
  </strong>
</p><p><br/>He wanted to say that. He wanted to beg for the forgiveness. <br/>“Yes.” </p><p><br/>“Find your own happiness won’t ya?” He said. </p><p><br/>That wasn’t what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Atsumu all the things that stuck in his throat. He wanted to tell Atsumu, he knew that Atsumu also loved Shinsuke probably ever since they were high school like Osamu. He probably knew that Atsumu had crush on Shinsuke since Shinsuke packed the Umeboshi for him. He probably should…should let Atsumu realized his own feelings and then let him had fair chance with Shinsuke.</p><p><br/>But…but he couldn’t. He couldn’t turn back the time and honestly he didn’t want to. That was the thing that made his stomach sick because he felt lower than trash, he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to give Atsumu fair chance because he…</p><p><br/>Because he wasn’t that good brother. He was only human. He was only selfish puny human who didn’t want to give his brother fair chance. He was a puny human who held on what he had tightly because losing Shinsuke would destroy him too. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>He was a puny, tiny, selfish human.</em>
</p><p><br/>“Oh, I would.” Atsumu said.</p><p><br/>Osamu nodded, “Oniichan.” He had never called Atsumu oniichan after they became teenager. </p><p><br/>“Um?” </p><p><br/>“Thank you.” Osamu smiled.</p><p><br/>He said thank you but the real words he wanted to say was <em>I am sorry.</em></p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>I am sorry. I am sorry. I am not a better man. I am sorry I am a bad little brother. </em>
  </strong>
</p><p><br/>Atsumu just waved his hand and walking back to the reception. As he  watched his brother walked inside the reception hall, tears started to wet his own cheeks. He was one cruel man. He just hurt his own his brother for his own happiness. </p><p><br/>“Samu?” Shinsuke walked out from the reception hall. </p><p><br/>Osamu bit his lower lips, before pulling Shin into his arms, “I would make you the happiest man on earth.” He sobbed.</p><p><br/>Because even with guilt and pain, he felt all over his body. Osamu still chose this. Osamu was still choosing this. Even if he was given the chance to start all over again, even when he had chance to give Atsumu’s chance. He still would choose this path again. </p><p><br/>“I love you.” </p><p><br/>“I love you too, Osamu.” </p><p><br/>When Shinsuke hugged him back, Osamu knew all the pain and guilt would be worth it. Even though he needed to pretend that he didn’t know his brother’s love for this man inside his arms, it was worth it. Even though he couldn’t be forgiven, it was worth it. </p><p><br/>With the sin piled upon his head, and guilt that chained his arms and legs, he would keep loving Shinsuke forever. He would take this path again.</p><p><br/>And that made Osamu sick. <br/>***</p><p><br/>  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p><br/> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>When I was writing Happiness, Osamu was perceptive, he knew his father hid something soon after they met Tendou, so it would be strange for him to not realizing Atsumu's crush. </p><p>Tell me what you think.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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